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despair
November 2008 
The Cries of the Almana (Widow)
yaffie
to my husband Avi--- in Heaven
She wakes Alone.
Eyes opening to the abyss that is now her life;
Emptiness and separation, again.
Again, she is alone.
That word is woven into the fabric of her soul,
A recurrent theme that is now a nightmare
All of her life she knew the meaning of that word,
Alone.
Oh, yes, she had friends,
Many, wonderful friends
She was not without
But she waited for her time to love
Kept herself in holiness
And sanctity
Waiting for Him to send that holy one,
To create that union
Between two, never to be again,
Alone.
Fourteen years she waited
Alienated....not knowing love.
She was forced to be
A husband to herself in the world,
Alone.
And then he was there.
Fourteen years later,
She was no longer alone.
She had him for six and a half wonderful, yet, difficult, years.
She was his bones, his flower, his Yaffi, his bunch of honey
He was her life, her beautiful husband, her honey bunch, her tzaddik
And then he was gone;
A tragic accident, a truck, broken scooter, a banner,
"Anachnu ohavim otcha"
God, we love you.
They did not have long, happy years together.
Will she not know joy?
What was it that took him away?
God help her to understand.
Trying to be strong
Carrying the cries in her soul,
My beautiful husband, my darling husband
Why are you there, must it be this way, why am I here?
Cries that tear into the night
Cries that rip the heart of dawn
Cries that emanate from the depths of her
Cries from her insides, kidneys splayed against the walls
Cries at his empty bedside on her knees
A lonely soul crying out into the abyss,
Alone.
My beautiful husband, Good Morning, I love You.
Why must I continue to go on again this day,
Alone.
This cruel joke,
Is one that only the One above understands---
What is this kindness from above that I will never comprehend?
What is kind about my not hearing you exhale in your sleep of exhaustion
Or not seeing your beautiful face as you sleep?
Why must I cry out into the night?
Alone.
Why does God give and then take back?
Perhaps, I will never know in this life.
In the abyss of my life, perhaps I am deceived,
I am truly alone.
by Yaffa©2003
Access: Public
who can understand the ways of God? especially when we are severed from the beloved. I grieve with you. tears are in my eyes reading your outpouring of your pain and love from your departed husband. warm hugs
Yes, Nicole, thank you…I am still wondering today as I see not one good thing from this and that is nothing i have ever said with all of my years with God…
I see nothing good from it..just lots of pain…
and so it must be, until you get to the other side of the pain… i know it's hard to imagine right now, dear one, but baruch haShem, joy will be yours in the morning… warm hugs
Ah,thank you…
I wrote that it was five years ago this month nicole..And i can tell you the pain doesn't go away but you stop crying every day…
So, you move through it with the pain and without any real pleasure…..until you can love again…that will be the only way out of it… Its not like a divorce, its not like breaking up, its way worse, cause it just gets ripped out of your soul, in the blink of an eye…you aren't prepared to have your spouse pulled from you in 5 minutes out of nowwhere…not like he was sick either…he wasn't…there was no preparation for this……none whatsoever..
crummy stuff…no joy here…not now from this anyway….
blessings.
blessings..
ah, it was your jahrzeit, was it? thought it just happened. i understand much better now. time has passed but you still miss him so. though you don't cry every day anymore. it's awful to have this happen without warning.
no joy at all? you seem to have such capacity for many kinds of joy…
hug hug!
This is intensely beautiful and sad at the same time Yaffi.
I honor you and your beloved.
Hi Aley and thank you so much…I know it is intensely sad because it is my intense and burning sadness poured out onto the paper….I don't know anything about the beautiful part…thank you for telling me, i would not think it..
and not that i reread it, maybe i should have said, cries that BURN the heart of dawn. I have another friend who is a professor from colorado…she will read and tear into something, she knjows exactly what is stolen, ie, someone else's work…she will say for instance, who would say something like, tears the heart of dawn, yaffa said that, who else ever said something like that? or no, this is someone else's statement if it would be taken from another..lol…but these are the deeply intense pouring forth of my own emotions.. this much i know, aley…..thank you..
yes, you are unique, and so beautiful! yaffa…
aaaaaaaawwwwwwwww……………thank you…….
i have so much enjoyed your blogs and grapevine posts from the start and now you are participating so actively in the God Pod, it's added another dimension to our friendship. Too bad I'm not coming to FLorida soon, but you are welcome to Montreal anytime!
thank you nicole, an dyou are welcome here!!
I am always invited to montreal and i haven't been there for almost 9 years now…that is where avi and i lived, avi lived there 16 years….and all of his closest friends are there, i have been invited back so many times, and i would like to come, i am afraid to be with our old and close friends will be very painful without him…
:(
sorry, love, I didn't realise… of course that would be too hard right now… but perhaps in the future… God alone knows.
oh, sorry, its ok…i think about it all the time, i need to take a vacation and i do miss my friends there, they have even tried to offer me tickets and i still haven't gotten there…but so far every year i think i might try nicole…….i really need a vacation!
it really sounds like you do, dear! whatever seems best, be gentle with yourself - hugs
thanks…when i do get there nicole, i'm coming to see you too!
i look forward to it, God willing!