O, God!! 2


Dear God, you see it's not only me
Who has suffered the wrath of this 'blessed' decree...
I too, sit and wonder, reflect on just who,
has decided to serve me with this judgment from YOU?

I have not yet returned to You
Father, don't You see?
How you've broken my heart and my spirit ain't free?

I no longer serve, as years past twenty three,

Alas, the joy of your bidding is sheer misery.
In my psyche and soul is profound mystery
about the hand I've been dealt,
Your love hidden from me.

Your desires for my life I no longer see
Your path of light darkened by harsh decree
The spirit of fear You've imparted in death
When you tore my loved one away from me
In my heart and soul I want to pick up and flee..
 O, my God, what You've done to me!


by

 

                                                                             Yaffa

 

Oh, God!! 3

Adonai,
Elokim,
Where
would I be
If You ceased
To live
In me?
Your very
breath
Is a gift
I must treasure
I thank you
For
The myriad storms
We've weathered.
For
Every opportunity
To give,
To live
To do.
Oh Lord,
God!
I can do
nothing
Without
YOU!


by Yaffa

I have been wrestling with God for over 5 years now since the tragic accident that killed my beloved husband in five minutes-- in the blink of an eye, and ended life as I knew it. A tragic accident and he was gone. I only thank God that I got up that morning and caught him before he left for work. In fact, I offered to take him to work and he refused. I was able to hug him, to kiss him, to tell him I love him, and then wish him a good day. It was the saddest day in my life. In fact, when he walked out the door, someone felt like it tore inside of me and left me with a fear that i had never known before. Our rabbi called a short time later to tell me the sad event.

The numerous trials that ensued afterward, wondering why 4 years later I still couldn't get myself together to live again, thinking I was depressed, and couldn't pick myself up, which is so unusual for me who bounces back from everything. Little did I know that the trauma I suffered would manifest in cancer. Little did I know how sick I was until I wound up in the ER and the doctor told me had i not come I would not see the light of day. I was given six months to live, that was 11 months ago. I took no chemo as prescribed, no radiation, no drugs whatsoever, no pills of any sort. Not even a headache.  All sickness is spiritual and I chose to fight my battles with God; with the Spirit of GOD. 

Yesterday I went to the dentist for a cleaning. While the hygenist was working on me my dentist came in to speak with me, to say hello and to check on me. He said, Yaffa, I know you well, talk to me, what's going on, how are you doing? More sugeries, are you in pain, are you having chemo? I said, doc, i am doing ok...I have no pain, I take no meds, I eat organic and whole foods, I do a bit of exercise, not nearly enough, and I am ok. He wanted to check my mouth because he understands how cancer works and what it does it teeth and tissue. He gave me the report:

"Nice tissue, no shifting teeth, looks good, looks nothing like my cancer patients mouths."
"Are you writing? Have you documented, journaled what you are doing?" No i said. Have you been checked? Yes, I said, its doing nothing and I am waiting and expecting the tumors to disintegrate and fall apart just like they came. He said, start today, you must write a  Journal...the world needs to hear about this.  It is amazing to me that everyday someone came from hospice to pick you up and take you to hospice to be medicated paliatively and that you said no, it amazes me that you take no chemo and no radiation, that you take no treatment and instead you are here one year later without medical treatment in stage 4. Please write, the world needs to hear it. "

I beleive with all I am that my cancer was a direct manifestation of that trauma that took my husband. According to Dr. Hamer, who some might call a quack, a genius quack, (Read dr. hamer, the new medicine. ) cancer comes from an UNEXPECTED trauma that came from nowhere, that you were not prepared for and that you could not resolve, you could not digest. It works brain, psyche, organ. His research will even tell you what organ what trauma will manifest in. I was fortunate to have a friend who is a holistic practitioner who told him about him; who spend the time with me day after day over a three month period, building me up mentally, explaining the healing process of the body/ psyche while washing the incision for me and changing the bandages, then spending time on the computer looking up all the info we needed about the statistics of the treatment and getting a greater understanding of what chemo is and its side effects. All the while she was studying Dr. Hamer for me and wrestling with me when I screamed and cried that if its wrong I will have made the wrong decision and need to make a good decision or I will be the one to have to deal with it. 

  I have cried enough tears and fought enough wars already that I am lucky that i can get up off the floor at all. And in fact I only got up off the floor about 2 months ago from all I dealt with. Healing is a long and painful process. I bring this up now because I am provoked to do so and to shed some light on true wrestling with God and the desire to overcome, not because i am looking for sympathy. I am not. Rather I am coming from strength, from the fires of those unknown powers that could have so easily taken my strength and the GOD in me from me.

this is a blog about wrestling with God and winning, not about copping out, running away, blaming God, which I did of course, BUT did not run away, as much as I wanted to from my beleifs and understandings.. Yes, some of my beleifs did change, that is for sure, but I was not so quick to think that all i had beleived of God was lies. NO, rather, I stayed in the fight, against all odds and fought with the angel of death on two counts, first my husbands, and then mine. I screamed, I cried, I prayed, I wrestled in bed, up and down night after night, seeking peace, seeking comfort, seeking a reason to go on...I opened myself up to seek out the answers in spite of my anger toward GOD and though I felt often that I could not go to someone who beat me like this, and in spite of the turmoil, I knew that I,  yaffa, would not give up on God even if God would not pick me up; even if God did this to me:  I would pick myself up with the power and the breath that I have from the Spirit that is God. Through the fiery passion of my own  Spirit did I seek to find those kernals of truth that might lead to growth and victory; I wanted to thrash it out that I might glean learning to strengthen and make me more mature and victorious. I am still alive. Everyday is a miracle.

And everyday when I enter the elevator in the building to my office, I meet with hospice workers and laugh, and everyday I say to them, you know, many of your staff came to the hospital to get me over the two weeks I was there, can you imagine that? You guys would have treated me paliatively and i would have died from all of the medication that I don't need.

My mother was there in the hospital when the first hospice worker came in to my room to visit me and to discuss my coming to hospice. She was listening to the conversation and she said to me Yaff, you are going to die, (My mom is widowed and the thought of her burying a daughter is traumatic to say the least.) 

I said to my mom, "Out!" Go! Go from here! 
 I am NOT going to die, I am going to live!" I have GOD IN ME, TOO much GOD to DIE like this, I am going to LIVE."
No matter what they call it, stage 4, metastases, i don't care, I am going to live~!

to be continued...

HELP!!   Please, enlighten me, maybe I am a stooge, or a bit naive. Maybe I am seriously lacking in intelligence or I am so ignorant as to beleive that I truly have a brain and I really do not...Maybe i am caught in a connundrum of excessive deferment  to moral issues --I wish -  but I am seriously wondering how someone can claim enlightenment while denigrating, mocking, and wanting to alter the conscience of the world as we know it, to exclude the highest symbol for God and Godliness in the world -that being the word God itself- and to create a new and 'higher form ' of 'enlightened' verbiage  from unproven philosophies that may or may not measure up to the highest of standards in the land now; may not have the blueprint of action needed to strive for those standards and may not even include or have any regard for such things as 'holiness,' morals, sexuality? Can someone who is upright and moral, believes in GOD and strives to be Godlike, to imitate God in his powers and energeries regarding purity of thought and holiness, please answer me...

The Jewish Press

Reb Avraham Chaim Leibowitz, Z'TL

Other__Worldly Experience

Written by Yaffa Leah Leibowitz for Dave

On Sunday evening at 8:30 June 21, 2003, was the sheloshim of Rabbi Avraham Chaim Leibowitz. May we merit from his exemplary life here on earth, his love for all Yisrael and respect for the creation, his kingly speech, his illuminated essence, and his righteousness. He was a tzaddik in every sense of the word, a Prince of Yisrael. May all of us who were fortunate to drink from the wine of his torah be strengthened to emulate him in his beautiful middot.  He was truly a Tzelem Elokim, the embodiment of God's beautiful attributes. Here is but one amazing story that God has mercifully arranged for us to hear from the heavens. May we have joy upon hearing this account of His works only two days after his passing to strengthen us and to renew our faith in God and in our Torah. 

On Thursday June 19, 2003 in the afternoon, I was sitting on the floor of my living room, (Avi died on May 21st) crying out to God, praying, and speaking to my darling husband, my prince, o.b.m., Avraham Chaim. I was troubled by the way he left the world. A tragic accident took his young life as he was on his way to work. I hugged him and kissed him goodbye and one half hour later, he was gone. I will never be able to fathom that. So I was crying out in pain, asking questions that will never be answered, when I received this phone call and recorded everything from a man named David, someone we came to know when we pay our bill at Mission Bay Storage, where we store our things. I have recorded his exact words here.

"On the 21^st or the 22^nd of May, I knew that I had to go for an angiogram. I had not seen the Rabbi for over two months. So, as I lay in the hospital, yet conscious, my wife by my side, I asked if she would please call Rabbi Leibowitz to say that I needed him to come to visit me at the hospital, and that I needed his prayers and support. On the afternoon of the 23^rd of May, I was drugged and prepared for the operation; a quadruple by- pass surgery, and lay in a quasi sleep on the operating table. It was between 2:30 and 3:00pm. I don't know exactly how long it was after I fell to sleep because I lost all track of time after the operation when I went into a drug induced coma for another day. But during the time of my operation, Rabbi Leibowitz came to me while I lay on the operating table."

"This is the account of his visit to me."

He walked into the room and came over to me and said:

 "I just got here, and yet at the same time I have always been here."

Then he said,

"I came to you to say that I don't know whether you will live or die, because it depends upon the measure of your will. But over here, there is a peace like you've never known. This is a thousand times, a thousand times, more peaceful than we have ever known. The words kept reverberating, echoing over and over again: "This is a thousand times, a thousand times more peaceful than we have ever known."

He never told me if I would live or die. Instead, he said,

"I will strengthen you whether you live or die, and together we will pool our strength."  

"He then took his prayer shawl and handed me the ribbons at the bottom. He placed them into my hands. My hands were laid across my stomach and as he placed them into my hands, he laid his hand over mine. He started to sing and pray in another language, either Yiddish or Hebrew, I don't know which."

"I asked him, why would you do this? I am not even Jewish."

He said to me,

"Faith pulls us together and then we are all the same."

"Then he started to hum and he slid his hand off mine and left the ribbons in my hands. I knew then that he was leaving and I tried to say to him, "Baruch Hashem." But I didn't know how, and instead I said "Balock Hashom," and he started to laugh."

He said,

"You didn't say it right."

"And then I said zee gezunt. He shook his head and tilted it to the side and started to laugh, as if to say no and gave me a great big smile."

He said:

"You are not saying it properly but the effort is there."

"He understood exactly what I was saying. Then he started to hum and to give me a blessing in Hebrew or Yiddish and I awoke. I was looking for the ribbons, because I saw him leave without taking the ribbons back, so I thought that he left them for me, that he wanted me to have them, to help me though these trying times. When I awoke, I looked down at my hands, I wanted to see the ribbons, but the ribbons were gone."

"After the operation, I asked my wife Joan if she had called Rabbi Leibowitz. I wanted to understand why I saw him in the hospital. I was going to call him and tell him all about what I then thought had been a dream that was entirely too real. I didn't think it was a dream at all. But my wife said that she could not get in touch with him, and I asked her, why not? Then I realized that since he was working in NY maybe he was out of town. So I would wait till he returned home to talk with him and to laugh with him about it."

"It was four weeks later, (Wednesday, June 18^th ), when I found out from my wife the tragic news that Rabbi Leibowitz had passed on May 21st."

"Since I never even knew that Rabbi Leibowitz had passed away, when I reflect upon my experience with the news of his passing, I realize that this was not a dream at all, but an actual visitation and I understand many things that I did not consider previously."

"He helped me through a traumatic time, in that my life lay on the brink of death's bed in the hands of those who did my quadruple bypass surgery. Now I have a desire to read through the bible, which I have never done, I started to read the bible as a child, I read the first paragraph of Genesis, and that was the end of it for me. It was too repetitious, and I got bored."

"I don't know how I know these things, because I am not a religious man. But now I know that Rabbi Leibowitz used me as a messenger to give you strength and peace of mind. He wanted you to know that he is in peace, and that you should also be in peace. He wanted you to know that his love was strong and perfect, that his love has never left you."

"Today I feel like brand new, as if I never even had any operation at all."

Gods  ways are truly wondrous and it is a tremendous kindness that He has done here, both for me and for Dave. My only thought about how to relate to this, how David  merited to have this visitation from Avraham Chaim is that I know Dave to be a man who is always b'simcha, ( in joy, happy) as was Avraham Chaim. We saw him, when we went to pay our bill, to be happy, joyous, joking, and accommodating. He was always a ray of bright light.

On many occasions when people left behind a bicycle from their storage, he would ask Avraham Chaim if he could use it He knew that Avraham Chaim rode a bicycle, so he would keep his eye out for him to see if someone would leave behind a particularly nice bicycle that he could give to him.

                                                          ---------------------------------

I remember very clearly those weeks and months before I wound up in the hospital. I wasn't taking care of myself, I hated cooking and eating alone, cleaning up alone, and would find it easier to grab a bag of chips or ice cream, comfort foods to ease the pain.
I knew that something inside wasn't right, and I thought I will try some different things from the health food store. I also knew that it was serious, but the thought of this serious I couldn't cope with. I could not handle one more trauma. 

I have always been a vibrant woman, always had lots of people around me. Men in particular have always called me refreshing. Now however, I was not myself. I turned into something dead and angry, I had some nice days in between for sure, but for the most part, I wanted to die. Sometimes while driving in my car with the top down a thought would cross me to crash the car. I was down like I was never before. I started to turn inward, thinking that perhaps God was punishing me because I wasn't a good enough wife, maybe I let my husband down..etc. etc. etc. In spite of the beautiful words my husband had left behind about me to all of his friends I couldn't shake the feelings of guilt. Guilt that I was alive and he wasn't. Guilt that I didn't drive him to work that day even though I had offered. Nothing gave me peace. I screamed and cried when i was alone, screamed at him for dying and leaving me behind. Screamed at God for his death. Cried at work in the sink in the bathroom. Never stopped crying...

We had just put a downpayment on a home the friday before he died. It was a wonderful brand new home and I was so excited about it and so was he. He looked up and all around in the kitchen which was done in brown and black granite with silver appliances. He touched them, and looking up with his hand on the wall, said, "This is going to be my house." His eyes were brilliant with joy, green glazed over. bright light. He was ectastic. I don't think he ever thought we would have such a home, we were in a 2 bedroom condo. 

I found out the following week after his death on Wednesday morning that he told all of his co workers, " Oh, its almost three o'clock and I cannot wait to to home to my yaffie, my flower. She has already cooked and cleaned for Shabbat and I cannot wait to have Shabbat with her."  Shabbat is the most difficult day of the week. Shabbat is a time of rest and joy, of spending time with your loved ones and friends, of basking in the presence of God...The Shekinah, manifest presence of the HOLY ONE is tangible on Shabbat amongst those who have prepared for it. It is also the most holy time to be with your husband or wife and it is commanded even to spend time together privately. There is nothing that can compare to the manifest presence, the glorious manifestation of holiness like on the sabbath and the holy days for those who invoke God and bask in that manifest presence. It was always the happiest day for me with Avi and friends, a time of sharing, feasting and sitting long hours at the table, sharing and enjoying all of the delicious foods I made, all from scratch, including whole wheat challah. A time of singing and sharing ourselves and the torah. It was a happy occassion..and a sacred time.


Consequently, It was for me the loneliest of all days and for the first year I couldn't stand to be alone.  Since I am not from florida, i had no real friends here. My friends were in NY and other places..Avi was my best friend and we spent all of our time together when we weren't at  work. I missed him terribly. I had one close friend who opened her home to me and I went there every shabbat for one year. Most of the time it was so painful for me to watch everyone living their lives with their families, I would go to bed and cry. I was up and down night after night, even when I slept there, which I did every weekend.

One Sabbath my friend was getting ready to make the kiddush, the blessing over the wine to start lunch. I couldn't take it. I wanted Avi to make the kiddush for me. I went to the couch quietly and laid down. My friends little 5 year old boy came over to the couch where i laid and stood over me with a towel. He said Mrs. Leibowitz, we know why you are crying...
And with that he lied down next to me and took the towel and covered over both of us.
What an amazing neshama, so tender and sensitive a soul in a five year old boy. What kind of spiritual maturity and depth! How deeply understanding, kind and compassionate..

As it turned out I kept getting weaker and weaker. I would get up at 8 am to go to work, but I was so weak that it took me until 12 or 1pm to shower and get ready.  Then on the way I would say or think, I don't know how I am walking, I feel like I have nothing in me, no power. I even stopped carrying a purse, I had no strength. When I went to the supermarket I leaned against the cart to carry me.

This went on for one year. It was the 4th year after I was widowed. I went on a Sunday shopping for groceries to whole foods. I had my beautiful little bischon with me, lovey sheli. I bought her because I couldn't stand the emptiness at home. I spent all of my time out of the house those first three years. The fourth year I was too weak. It happened on that day that I came home at 6pm with the groceries intending to make dinner for me and lovey. I was very uncomfortable because I had woken up during the wednesday night prior with a tremendous pain in my right side, by my appendix. I had no doctor since we left Montreal and I have never really been sick so I thought it will pass. Meanwhile I didn't realize I had a fever also. I was so weak on that sunday when I came home and so uncomfortable. I went into the bathroom and took off my clothes because i felt they were restrictive. I don't know what happened after that, but I must have passed out and woke up later lying on my back on the floor just beyond my bed. I took my temperature when I got up and saw it was 101.3. I crawled into bed and forced myself to sleep the night.

On monday morning I called my mom and asked her to take me to a walk in clinic. The clinics would not take me because I said I had pain in my abdomen. They said to go to the hospital. I then asked my mom to take me to her doctor. He couldn't see me, he was full. My mother made an appointment for me 2 hours later with another doctor. I said I cannot leave, I must go on the bench in the walkway and sleep. I cannot walk or carry myself and she left me there to get me some water while I slept.

The doctor had no equipment to take exrays. I have never been in the hospital and never been sick. I told my mom I needed to go to the ER. 

 

My Incomparable Beloved

To Avi...whose spirit soars in the Heavens

Of all the love I've ever known
There is none to compare with you.
Our life together will speak forever
Of the love and passion our world knew.
My incomparable beloved.

Keepsakes of our life together...
Study and prayer books bound in leather
Suits and Hats, music, silver
Mementos haunt this heart, bewildered
By the loss of my Incomparable Beloved.

What to do with all of these
Treasures...
Songs of love, source of pleasures
Struggles to create one life together
Life is empty now...without you.

My lyrics, writing, and songs are sung
without the bliss of my darling one.
From a broken heart and empty room
I miss writing love songs for my groom.
No more psalms or prayers from above
Lyrics or melodies drawn from His love
In your merit alone I strum
My harp strings suffering the painful drum
of copious tears
While vocal spasms restrict, constrict,
Dimming my otherwise, joyful hum
My precious beloved, incomparable One.

Now I am aware that angels abound
My soul profoundly aware they surround
To capture, to carry the sounds of...
Melodious tears that ride on wings
Of the joyful and sorrow filled songs I sing
My incomparable Beloved

Wondering what you would do...
Could you toss my treasured life from you
You surrounded me with tokens of love
Bespoken devotion
Tenderness of a turtle dove.
Sparks of holiness lodged in the physical
Reminiscent of you...
Oh! My Incomparable Beloved

It is akin to rejecting holiness
Your charmed, passionate, essence
You...embodiment of pure love.
Tossing your things away
Far from my heart and mind
As devastating as desecrating
The holy temple.
Holy and incomparable beloved.

Your life -- the temple incarnate,
Mirroring the covenant in my soul
Now I must give myself over to another
Two new souls must come together as One--
But how can I do that...
When we have created a transcended--
Incomparable Love?




©by Yaffa

to be continued

While 'online' dating presents wonderful opportunities for meeting people all over the world, and many of my friends married those they met online, I think we need to establish some guidelines, I know I had to. On the other hand, though I remain open, I have given up for the most part on the idea of online 'dating' as I have found that unless you establish from the beginning of the relationship that if you speak a few times and want to get to know one another more in 'reality,' a trip to meet must be doable whether one lives close or far away as there is no sense in investing much of yourself or your dreams,hopes, and desires with someone you may never meet!!

If you have the potential to see one another currently in reality this will avoid the ' virtual reality' that parades itself as truth and is often so disappointing. Also cupid may be just playing, clicking from one 'love' and one photo to another.   Unless you know someone who knows this person and can add credibility to he, she...it is useless and foolish to invest very much of your time or emotions in trying to build a relationship with someone  whom you may never meet.

You can get hurt by someone you have never even met, our feelings know no such boundaries...!  Such is the case far too often...what's your experience?? 

Tears of Love

Tears of love, spilling to stain my cheeks,
Like hues of stenciled blue stained glass,
Upon the window of my soul.
Its artists brush, cutting deeply,
To ask if love's sweet
moment of truth has passed.

Sword of truth, a blinding light
In step with lashing rains by night.
The rhythm of this lovers dance,
Devoid of depth...suitors prance.

Why does love aim its arrows?
Curve its bow towards my heart?`
To destroy composure, waste my verve,
Transform me from truth to fraud?

All efforts to love died this double duel.
I gave of myself, gave my all.
While Cupid, he was having a ball.
I pampered, loved, adored, and wooed.
But he left me with my heart tattooed.

Stenciled hues, of red and blue,
Imprimatur on my heart,
Kisses he drew, used like glue,
Blew gaping holes through my heart.
To dim the glow in the window of my soul.


2001©by Yaffa

   

Can I forgive God?

 

What shall I forgive you for my Lord?

Would it be the revelations that inhabit my soul?

Or the wisdom of your life in me,

Shall it be the fruit of my friendships and the love I receive?

Or the beautiful husband you gave to me?

 

Shall I be angry that you gave and then took him back?

But then, you didn't need to give at all, I forgot about that.

Yep there's been some pain in between

But I know that You've never abandoned me.

 

Shall it be the beautiful talents that are a gift to me

Or the realization of dreams yet to be

Would it be the utterance of eloquent speech or deed;

Or the spirit of truth in a soul that is free?

 

Would I trade the tears of my soul song's pleas to thee?

Or the times that Your love filled my heart with glee?

The times the Divine was revealed in me

To those who sought light in a world that can't see?

 

When I think of my talents, gifts, abilities

When I think of Your Spirit and breath in me

How can I say that my spirit ain't free?

Perhaps it's illusion, or my own delusion

Error in judgment, mistaken reality.

 

When I think about choices to emulate You.

 I see the work of my heart and transfomations that prove.

Can I say I've been cheated in all honesty?

Or is that a flaw in my integrity?

My God -- I see the power that's vested in me,
'Its an awesome gift to handle responsibly.

 

7-22-2008 by©yaffa

 

 

7-22-2008 by©yaffa

 
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't reach for the best ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the ones that are lying on the ground or the lower branches, which are not as good but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they are amazing! They just have to wait for the right man to come along; the ONE who is brave enough to climb to the top of the tree...

My Muse

Is beyond beautiful, splendorous or magnificent

These words while descriptive oft seem trite

Cause I am unable to express or to fathom,

Or describe this muse in all depth and height.

 

Loyal and devoted twenty- four seven

Demanding and confrontational it seems

My muse stirs me while I sleep and speaks to me in dreams;

In every endeavor to exact the best from me.

 

Regardless of self proclaimed inadequacy

It continues its gracious and loyal devotion to me

Teaching that borders are generous indeed

Just look at the ocean and then pay heed.

 

The paradigm of loving kindness in literary form

Is every word that God has spoken

Every scripture I've ever learned and incorporated,

All the myriad verses I've understood

Every psalm I've every sung and every hymn I've ever written.

 

My muse is my constant friend

A never ceasing gentle persuasion

That encourages my soul with constant prodding

That keeps me nightly and sleeps me gently

Loves me in all tenderness

While yet ruthless in its insistence

 to take charge over me for my good

Woos and stirs my hearts desires

Fans and flames my spirit fire

Encourages me to be bright and vibrant

My Muse is always God, His word alive in me.

 

© 8-7-2005

 

The Soiled Madonna
To men who are MEN, searching for that unspoiled Madonna

A pretty face belies a deceptive heart
A curvaceous form,
You are snared from the start
Cause she knows you are an easy mark
Foolish man.

Her modus operandi is simply to snare
she mixes her mysterious brew with her stare
A potion that will render you feeble--
Engorged, aflame and snared by desire
She thrives on your brazen, passion fire!
Poor, simple, man.

This is the way of the worldly one.
Nothing more than a sophisticated vamp
A kinder word than lowly tramp
This is no angel from above
Only a demon from the pit of hell
Who lies in wait to ring your bell!

She lacks virtue and honesty
Knows nothing of love with dignity
Lacking in backbone, no integrity
She is a selfish, self serving entity
This woman feigns a life of God!

Buyers beware of her importuner's snare.
She'll leave you with a thump and a vicious glare!
Your soul tarnished and heaped in the dump!
A lowly tramp who perverts holy verse.

But a woman of virtue --
Oh, she knows the way!
From your heart or your soul she'll never stray...
Not from Good, or God, or -- Godly ways.

She will not approach you like a thief in the night
To snare or to woo with delirious brew
Nor enter your bed until she inquires
As to the intents and purpose of those desires
For she wants to cleave to the God in you;
Not to woo you from that lofty place
Or to leave you shamed, hurt, disgraced.
NO!!

What she wants is to share integrity
Never to diminish intellect or dignity.
She moves with you and not without
She is altogether righteous--without a doubt.
Wants nothing more than your success;

Love, respect and happiness.
This is a good woman.

Not given to jealousy, control or tests
This is a beautiful woman.
A truly, virtuous woman,
She defies the rest.

To all who are longing for love,
Beware the vamp, the lowly tramp!
She will catch you while your pants are down
Render you feeble, a harlots clown!

The sophisticated vamp,
Just a Madonna for fools,
Will lead you astray
Was so easy to do.

So your mind is polluted I'm afraid to say
With your heart and your soul did you stray
You were duped by a vamp, dumped by a tramp,
Wooed, tattooed and left with her stamp.

Foolish man who cannot see
Beyond a guise of femininity.
Open your eyes now and see her through
You are on your way to the harlots zoo.

But a man who is wise?
Will not be drawn
To the harlots mask that changes dawn
His eyes see through those just like you
He is not seduced by utter flooze.

For the fortuitous man who is led by his soul
And not by the garments that boldly expose
The harlots cleavage, or derriere...
This man is winner and champions discipline
He has tamed his ego and sees through the guise
His eyes are wide open, no stars in his eyes!

And the women like her?
Oh! They will never, ever, do
For the champ is a thoroughbred with a mind like you!
Champ of a man---
No soiled, despoiled, tainted, Madonna
Can ever woo, seduce, vanquish you!!


© 10-17-2005
by Yaffa



A Woman in Transition

She is gentle, but tough
Simple, yet complicated
In harmony and discord
Fruitful and barren.

She is changing and developing,
While striving for perfection,
She is showing her flaws.
And when she's looking good,
She's looking bad--
For only when she bares the imperfections of her soul,
Does her true beauty show.

She is everything, but nothing
Lost in the wilderness
Destroying everything that she has built
Then creating a new world

She works with you, while against you
Exploring and introspecting
In her need for transcendence.

Joining hands, while walking alone
Enjoying, loving, hurting, healing
Accepting the process that this sojourn called life is-
Moving through transitions of energy and form
A being--
Changing in nature,
Responding with God.

©1979

                                                                             Yaffa

                                
                                                                  Answer Me, Love

 

I have not seen you

Nor have you met me,

But when I do, will it be you

Whose name is forever inscribed in my eternity?

Shyness fades into oblivion
Words spoken are understood easily
A part of time has stood awaiting us

Might our souls have recognized us from the beginning?

 

When you see my face, will your heart rejoice?

Will we know we are each other's choice?
Will the power of our union create a dream come true

And the passion of our love--perfect the me in you?

 

Will there be whispered words of tenderness
Endless laughter, heartbeat of passion
Gazing at the sunrise at dawn
Writing bare foot in the sunshine
Tears of healing falling like fresh rain

When we first see one another

Will we take each others breath away?

 

Yes, my soul calls out to you; deep calling to deep

Does my soul recognize itself in you?

Are you my soul, my mate?

Am I your destiny, your fate?

 

Two souls call to celebrate one another from afar

Just a heartbeat away to where we are

Who is this stranger that my heart dost know

Perhaps we are destined to merge, One soul?

 

Veiled and unrevealed to one another

Per chance the eye of the Soul dost see

The piece of me that is missing in you,

The piece of you that is missing in me

Answer Me, Love

yaffa 
©11-16-2005

 

Bittersweet
Where we've been, this heart and soul
Amiss my spirit, life unfolds before me
Tousled, jostled, like tumbling weeds,
Death leaves bittersweet memories.

Like fractured bones and fragile roots,
A tender soul got a vicious boot
A splintered heart and screams untold
Escape from this once enraptured, soul.

Thrashed and trashed like dead debris
All life's desire lies dead before me
Bitter cries from deep within
Release me from this nightmare's whim!

Rich while poor, struggling to keep
Joyous memories that make me weep
Despite the lovers threat to die,
I close my lids, ask why survive?

But garnered strength the soul doth see
Life spawning hidden mysteries---
A land, fertile and green, far as eye can see
With horizons of love that lie lush afore me.

Oh, come to me! You, across the sea!
I pray thee come, awaken me
Come join my arms, I shall not fail
To see and know your hearts travail.

Come hither now to glance at me!
And let our eyes find what we seek--
To love anew, and more than then
To love as One, to live again.

 

©By Yaffa, October, 2005

 

Blue

 

To My Avi in Heaven

©By Yaffa Leah Leibowitz

 

Blue Is what I am

In and out, I am blue

Broken and left to die

I wait on God...while missing you...

 

No passion in this empty pot of clay, today.

God, why must I suffer this way?

Why must I cry out night and day,

Your flower is left to wilt without you.

 

Walking without a goal, I must go on...

Seeking light, while seething darkness prevails

All I see is you.

 

Let me run from you today

Let me tuck away your name

Hide your face from my eyes,

Till I can work through the pain

Let me go.

Let me go away,

Let me not return

Till I can learn to live again without you.

© Yaffa 2002 

 
Ego games
What are these games that lovers play
that destroy love and egos slay?
Unrequited, spited love
Instead of love from high above

We need to take a back seat now
Take a look at what we've vowed
Despite flaws to be, to love as one,
How fortunate we would become

And love I will, for all to see.
Impassioned flames from antiquity
and when you love consider this
the one you spite is who you'll miss.

If you decide to play this game
as ego dictates; leaves you lame.
You'll not transcend to or become
matured in spirit or a free loved one.

You need to press through it all to see
That love is the gift of maturity.

© Yaffa 2005

 

If I Could See You!
To Avi in the Heavens

If I could see you from the heavens
Alone In the kitchen on Sunday afternoon
Not caring for the sunshine that pours through the window
I would weep until every shore was overflowing
Until every blade of grass was watered
And every flower misted by my tears.

If I would see you Sabbath after Sabbath alone
Not singing any songs you know or love
Nor caring to pray and to be with friends of old
I would weep until my tears would change that sadness in your heart
I'd beg and scream, scream and cry for mercy, grace
I would hold you until all of our tears overflowed
To wash away the harshness of our plight.
I would hold you until your kiss was sweet again
Till your anger with injustice released tears of healing,
It would be my pleasure to cry with you until the waters of understanding
washed over all remnants of pain.

If I would see your harp sitting idly upon the floor
I would beg for you to sing to me, to open your heart

Sing out, release your song and sing to me once more.
I would sing with you until you cried for joy.
If I could see the pictures sitting on the floor rather than the wall
I would be so saddened to see that this lovely home without me
Has never been a home to you at all.

If I could see you Friday after Friday, sit alone all night
And all the polished silver sitting unused inside the armoire
No kiddush cups and no bread board set on the table to dine
No one there to make the blessing or drink the kiddush wine
I would weep until every grape fell off of, every single vine.

I would weep until the oceans overflowed,
And the clouds released every drop of dew
I would weep until I saw you smile again
Until I saw you blossom yet anew.
I would beg our Father to send you another
To love, to cherish, fill you once again, anew.
I would weep until every shore was overflowing
Until every blade of grass was watered
Until every flower was nourished by my tears,
Until every tear inside of you was shed.
If I could see you.

By yaffa

                                                                             2006


 

My Incomparable Beloved

To Avi...whose spirit soars in the Heavens

Of all the love I've ever known
There is none to compare with you.
Our life together will speak forever
Of the love and passion our world knew.
My incomparable beloved.

Keepsakes of our life together...
Study and prayer books bound in leather
Suits and Hats, music, silver
Mementos haunt this heart, bewildered
By the loss of my Incomparable Beloved.

What to do with all of these
Treasures...
Songs of love, source of pleasures
Struggles to create one life together
Life is empty now...without you.

My lyrics, writing, and songs are sung
without the bliss of my darling one.
From a broken heart and empty room
I miss writing love songs for my groom.
No more psalms or prayers from above
Lyrics or melodies drawn from His love
In your merit alone I strum
My harp strings suffering the painful drum
of copious tears
While vocal spasms restrict, constrict,
Dimming my otherwise, joyful hum
My precious beloved, incomparable One.

Now I am aware that angels abound
My soul profoundly aware they surround
To capture, to carry the sounds of...
Melodious tears that ride on wings
Of the joyful and sorrow filled songs I sing
My incomparable Beloved

Wondering what you would do...
Could you toss my treasured life from you
You surrounded me with tokens of love
Bespoken devotion
Tenderness of a turtle dove.
Sparks of holiness lodged in the physical
Reminiscent of you...
Oh! My Incomparable Beloved

It is akin to rejecting holiness
Your charmed, passionate, essence
You...embodiment of pure love.
Tossing your things away
Far from my heart and mind
As devastating as desecrating
The holy temple.
Holy and incomparable beloved.

Your life -- the temple incarnate,
Mirroring the covenant in my soul
Now I must give myself over to another
Two new souls must come together as One--
But how can I do that...
When we have created a transcended--
Incomparable Love?

©2006by Yaffa

 

Loves Truth

Why should "love" be so punishing?

Perhaps it is only our need to love
That blinds us to our fickle desire
For true love is never ending, giving
Never zealously taking,
Abandoning or diminishing
That horse is of a different breed.
Selfishly makes a wanton his meat
And once indulged this satisfied steed
Fulfilled, moves on to his next treat
Who vaunts her flame and plays the same
Easily accessed and easily coveted.
But love? No! Lust!

LOVE will never diminish you for gain
Is not exploitive, selfish, vain
It's not a "count my lovers" names
Or, pass from "seed to seed," game.
Oh, No! Not love!
Rather, more a special harvest set aside
To yield a superior wine in time
No one else privy to share of this fruit
No one privy to plunder or loot.

Until then
Like fruit trees set aside for vintage wine
The smart one thrives in the vineyard alone,
Guarding her precious soul,
Sharing her love with no one..
No one will taste this wine,
set apart from all of the rest
To produce a character that's by far the best
Superior in every way: fine, refined,
Virtuous, true, unspoiled, sweet, demure, mature...
A quality uncommon, sublime beauty, a rare find,
A head above the rest.

A true and worthy one will be freed
By a warrior under the sun who will redeem
Vintage worthy of his true soul,
A diamond able to emanate deep love
Captivating, polished, brilliant, pure, radiant.
Will not be swayed to sit in another setting
Will be embraced by only One.
He, the only one appropriate to hold her
the soul mate privy to taste this wine
Alas, he will redeem and not tally.

He, who is wise
Will ne'er be fooled by a lesser kind
Never leave her for another
Nor desire the effects of a different lover.
But in wedded bliss will he covet
The rare virtues of his precious other
Together they will drink sweet waters,
What is his alone; untouched, guarded
Uncompromising, unadulterated, demure...
Ready to fulfill true love's desires,
Fanning flames by day, setting nights afire
This is love.

And love's ways never seek to betray.

©2002by Yaffa

O, God!! 2

To those who question loss of a loved one.

Dear God, you see it's not only me
Who has suffered the wrath of this 'blessed' decree...
I too, sit and wonder, reflect on just who,
has decided to serve me with this judgment from YOU?

I have not yet returned to You
Father, don't You see?
How you've broken my heart and my spirit ain't free?

I no longer serve, as years past twenty three,

Alas, the joy of your bidding is sheer misery.
In my psyche and soul is profound mystery
about the hand I've been dealt,
Your love hidden from me.

Your desires for my life I no longer see
Your path of light darkened by harsh decree
The spirit of fear You've imparted in death
When you tore my loved one away from me
In my heart and soul I want to pick up and flee..
 O, my God, what You've done to me!

by

2005©Yaffa

Oh, God!! 3

Adonai,
Elokim,
Where
would I be
If You ceased
To live
In me?
Your very
breath
Is a gift
I must treasure
I thank you
For
The myriad storms
We've weathered.
For
Every opportunity
To give,
To live
To do.
Oh Lord,
God!
I can do
nothing
Without
YOU!


by©2006 Yaffa



Passion
A vision for a future love and marriage relationship

Passion is a flower,
Awakening in the morning
A soul of love, a brand of fire.
My heart is stirred by passion's fire.

Souls desire to cleave as one
Thrilling, rhythmic, dance of love
Passions sway to light the way
Our dance of love, to never stray.

Gifted teachings rule our hearts.
Their words have taught us how to live
Shaped our minds and filled our hearts,
Souls desire, just to give.

I want to recreate His love
I want to share and care with you
The deeper essence in this kiss,
A greater passion than we knew.

Your words so caring from the start
Have touched my soul, sparked my heart.
You, O, man of passions, fire
Set my nights and days afire.

I dare dream creating, from two, One;
To harmonize and synchronize
Indulgent solely to love's desires
Souls to nourish from higher powers.

I hope that we will choose to be
Together walking, you and me
To live, and laugh, to walk as One;
How fortunate we will become.

A ball of sparks, potent fire,
Beautiful, fragrant, blooming flowers.
Wooing us to higher powers
Beckoning now, like vibrant fire;
Complete, fulfill, our souls' desires.

Yaffa Leibowitz © 7/31/2005

  

 

Separation
How many times have we heard
Gotta be me, gotta be free.

Sitting and listening to the Word of God.
"It is not good for man to be Alone;"
And Adam could not communicate with the animals
And so Eve was created.

From his rib, while he lay sleeping, sweetly
She was placed in the crook of his arm,
His equal,
and opposite to be...
His Own...
Joined to cleave and cling together
Hopelessly in love,
With God,
As One...
In unity and beauty,
Unselfishly

I thought about divorce
A separation from someone you love.
Ripping the heart,
Etching the soul.
Two hearts unwilling to yield,
Two hearts unwilling to give
Two people saying,
"Got to be me, do my own thing."

Separation Again
Without God leading us,
When do we grow...
When does alienation end?

by©Yaffa 1980

 

Tears of Love

Tears of love, spilling to stain my cheeks,
Like hues of stenciled blue stained glass,
Upon the window of my soul.
Its artists brush, cutting deeply,
To ask if love's sweet
moment of truth has passed.

Sword of truth, a blinding light
In step with lashing rains by night.
The rhythm of this lovers dance,
Devoid of depth...suitors prance.

Why does love aim its arrows?
Curve its bow towards my heart?`
To destroy composure, waste my verve,
Transform me from truth to fraud?

All efforts to love died this double duel.
I gave of myself, gave my all.
While Cupid, he was having a ball.
I pampered, loved, adored, and wooed.
But he left me with my heart tattooed.

Stenciled hues, of red and blue,
Imprimatur on my heart,
Kisses he drew, used like glue,
Blew gaping holes through my heart
To dim the glow in the window of my soul.

by©2001Yaffa

Solitude

Solitude,

How sweet you are

It's you and I,

Alone at last.

To be-in our own world,

Made up of dreams,

That only we dare to dream.

 

I love the peace that you give so freely

Tranquility washing over frustration and doubt,

Emptiness tricked me,

Separation stole my cries...

Alas,

 I was unable to touch something or someone I love.

And now, I come home to you

Thankful for the place that you have saved me

For in this space is the preparation of a new practice,

A new learning in life.

 

The questions have all ceased

The jury deliberated....

There are no more doubts

For in this place I know all and give all.

 

I practice making love to life,

Creating, shaping, coloring, guiding, believing, trusting.

   You hold me, supportive in my every wish and whim

Allowing me to grow and develop with patience...

Each step I take is accepted with enthusiasm

 

Like a child taking its first step,

Sometimes I feel so shy-

Naïve to the sophistication of the world

But....

No one knows...

Just You,

and I.

 

                                                                       ©1979Yaffa

 

The Cries of the Almana (Widow)

to my husband Avi--- in Heaven

She wakes Alone.
Eyes opening to the abyss that is now her life;
Emptiness and separation, again.
Again, she is alone.

That word is woven into the fabric of her soul,
A recurrent theme that is now a nightmare
All of her life she knew the meaning of that word,
Alone.

Oh, yes, she had friends,
Many, wonderful friends
She was not without
But she waited for her time to love
Kept herself in holiness
And sanctity
Waiting for Him to send that holy one,
To create that union
Between two, never to be again,
Alone.

Fourteen years she waited
Alienated....not knowing love.
She was forced to be
A husband to herself in the world,
Alone.
And then he was there.
Fourteen years later,
She was no longer alone.

She had him for six and a half wonderful, yet, difficult, years.
She was his bones, his flower, his Yaffi, his bunch of honey
He was her life, her beautiful husband, her honey bunch, her tzaddik
And then he was gone;
A tragic accident, a truck, broken scooter, a banner,
"Anachnu ohavim otcha"
God, we love you.

They did not have long, happy years together.
Will she not know joy?
What was it that took him away?
God help her to understand.

Trying to be strong
Carrying the cries in her soul,
My beautiful husband, my darling husband
Why are you there, must it be this way, why am I here?

Cries that tear into the night
Cries that rip the heart of dawn
Cries that emanate from the depths of her
Cries from her insides, kidneys splayed against the walls
Cries at his empty bedside on her knees
A lonely soul crying out into the abyss,
Alone.
My beautiful husband, Good Morning, I love You.
Why must I continue to go on again this day,  
Alone.

This cruel joke,
Is one that only the One above understands---
What is this kindness from above that I will never comprehend?
What is kind about my not hearing you exhale in your sleep of exhaustion
Or not seeing your beautiful face as you sleep?
Why must I cry out into the night?
Alone.

Why does God give and then take back?
Perhaps, I will never know in this life.
In the abyss of my life, perhaps I am deceived,
I am truly alone.

by Yaffa©2003

  

The Ninth of Av
Today is a holy and sad day.
It is the day that the holy temple was destroyed

  and that families were
uprooted from their homes-- on their own land.
And I, I am crying inside and out.
I am furious.
Does America uproot its citizens from their homes?  NO! ~
But we are suffering!
I cannot fathom the corruption of men
I don't understand how darkness prevails over light
I don't understand why our hearts are not broken
Today is a sad day, and I am angry.
It is the day that our temple was destroyed.
The settlers removed from their homes!~
To give our land away to terrorists
Homicide bombers,
People who come to plunder and loot
Why do the Arabs not want their own people?
Why must we give them our tiny plot of ground
While they have lands far as the eye can see?
It is simply a diabolical jealousy!
An evil and demonic power struggle
Evil personified, the Satan incarnate.
I wish for God to move His Hands to redeem,
When darkness prevails over light.
When evil ego powers cast our plight
And the righteous ones must take flight...

While the Arab world counts its booty--

Rejoicing in the spoils of naïve and foolish governments

And in full view before the whole wide world
This is a most sad day.

Yaffa

9^th of Av 2006

 

THERE ONCE WAS A MAN NAMED ABU

A DESPICABLE SON OF A WHO KNOWS WHO

WHO WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE LAND OF THE JEWS

WHO WANTS TO DESTROY GODS CHOSEN FEW.

BUT CONDI, YOU CONSORT WITH THE SON OF A WHO!

SHAME , SHAME, SHAME... NO SCRUPLES HAVE YOU?

WITH CRUMBS ON YOUR FACE, EAT BREAD OF DISGRACE

YOU AND ABU, SIT TWO BY TWO.

NOW THE WORLD AT LARGE HAS OBSERVED THIS TABU

ALONG WITH ALL TRAITORS, SOME DIRTY FACED JEWS

OLMERT TOO, ATE FROM THE BREAD OF THIS SHAME,

SOLD OUT HIS SOUL ALONG WITH HIS NAME.

BUT LISTEN NOW GOOD CAUSE I TELL YOU NO LIES!

YOUR NAKEDNESS IS REVEALED WITHOUT ANY DIGUISE.

AND THE SAD AND THE BITTER TRUTH IS THIS,

NOT YOU OR ABU, OLMERT OR WHO KNOWS WHO

CAN COMPARE WITH THE LIKES OF ONE RIGHTEOUS JEW.

BREAD OF SHAME, DIRTY FACED, DISGRACED

CONDI, OLMERT AND ABU.

© 5/ 6/2008 yaffa leah leibowitz


 

To Helen019 and All grandmas!

Welcome to the world baby girl
I've waited for you only an eternity
When I didn't know my soul was longing
So long ago, baby girl.

And waited for this moment
To hold you in my arms
Darling child--soul from high above
Came just in time
For my nurture and my love.

Oh, the dreams I dream for you!
So many activities I've planned
And can't wait to walk with you
To dress you, take your hand.

What is a grandma for
If not to love, to give, adore?
To nurture, inspire, to guide and admire
To recreate His life, in all that we do
To reflect all that is holy in life for you.

Yes, my darling daughter
The gift is doubly due
For how can I miss, how can I cry?
When I have a daughter, and baby like you.

If only gramps was here
How I'd love to share him with you
But I know that he's watching from a place above
And will make sure you that you pass this way with lots of love.

And love, you came down just in time for me to see
The reason I'm here, the need to be
For now life has reason and purpose, rhyme
And I want to be here for you--a very long time.

My darling, baby girl
Welcome to the world of Grandma's love.

by ©2004Yaffa


 

What a Woman Wants

Burning passion from her man,
Who loves in every way he can
Loves her mind, desires her song
Powered together, knit passions strong.
She woos and inspires, kindles his fire
Thrives on fulfillment of shared desire.

She, her emotions toward him a flare;
beautifully vibrant, insatiable pair.
Her love for him spans love for all time
His heart rejoicing in a love rare to find.

Two souls, One; transcendent pair
majestically spawning sparks everywhere
He, the giver of bountiful joy
she sanctifies their symbiotic core.
He loves her essence, form and face
and in her arms he finds the grace
yields himself to loves embrace
this worldly, grown up man and boy

He, her life, love and might
She carries his glow, vessel of light
Lights up his days, lights up her nights.
They relinquish together all that can fight
Love, at whim.

Cleaved together, joined from above
Two, beautiful souls, Hushed..
Embedded in a tender, fragrant lush
Of
Flaming Eden, Sacred Garden of Love.

by©2005 Yaffa


  What To Say

Some chatter endlessly
And say nothing.
And there are those who work and do
But say, nothing.
While there are those who choose their words
So carefully, they affect wisdom
And say everything.
Sadly most talk and talk
Spouting Impoverished soliloquies
But say nothing.


by 2006©Yaffa



©2004


 

Wounded Heroine

The sun rose quickly, soothing my tormented heart
Smell of fragrant spring in the air
Delicate scent of flowers sweet and the coming rains to start
Softens the winter chill that crept in through the night
Now the sun thaws, melts the shards of ice
That split my soul, stole and stilled my life.
My heart open now to face the warm sun
As it shines on this burgeoning one -- nourished by blessed rain.
A vibrant, beautiful soul, born anew again...
This heroine alive once more in December...
No need to wait for the springtime yet to come. 
©yaffa2003

 

You!

 

You are like a fresh, warm breeze, which permeates my soul;
your spirit sweet, fills me with yearning,
I want to reach out -

To explore -- the potential that we may be

Destined to create

A Love -- as we have never known before.

I understand you; intelligent man, vibrant soul,

You pour forth as a smooth, translucent stream;
I love your depth and wisdom,
the way my spirit soars when we connect;

You will be good for me.

I want to take you to a higher, loftier place,
where a captive moment in time may reveal;

What thus far remains hidden, buried, and concealed.

I feel a bond with you;
the desires you stir in me, vast and rich;
I desire to revel in your manly presence;
yearning to bask in tender essence

    A precious gift I long to give and receive...

When two will love again,

 Once more.

 And I,

I alone, sit with wonder ...

That you too, may be longing for the sweetness of this most perfect kiss;

That will feverishly empower; transform and unite,

 Two hearts-one soul - into eternal, thrilling, peaceful bliss...

 

This I pray before I sleep.
yaffa©2005

 

Your Fear of Love

To all frightened men!!

Beautiful flowers everywhere,
At least it seems so from afar.
Don't come too close!!
I don't want to see
how lovely...
You really are.

by ©1979Yaffa

 

Can I forgive God?

 

What shall I forgive you for my Lord?

Would it be the revelations that inhabit my soul?

Or the wisdom of your life in me,

Shall it be the fruit of my friendships and the love I receive?

Or the beautiful husband you gave to me?

 

Shall I be angry that you gave and then took him back?

But then, you didn't need to give at all, I forgot about that.

Yep there's been some pain in between

But I know that You've never abandoned me.

 

Shall it be the beautiful talents that are a gift to me

Or the realization of dreams yet to be

Would it be the utterance of eloquent speech or deed;

Or the spirit of truth in a soul that is free?

 

Would I trade the tears of my soul song's pleas to thee?

Or the times that Your love filled my heart with glee?

The times the Divine was revealed in me

To those who sought light in a world that can't see?

 

When I think of my talents, gifts, abilities

When I think of Your Spirit and breath in me

How can I say that my spirit ain't free?

Perhaps it's illusion, or my own delusion

Error in judgment, mistaken reality.

 

When I think about choices to emulate You.

 I see the work of my heart and transfomations that prove.

Can I say I've been cheated in all honesty?

Or is that a flaw in my integrity?

My God -- I see the power that's vested in me,
'Its an awesome gift to handle responsibly.

 

7-22-2008 by©yaffa
NOTE: All poetry posted here is my own original work and belongs to me and is subject to copyright law. I have not agreed to any license, assignment or use by any other parties.
Please, do not copy or reprint without authors permission...thanks...

Making G-d's Will Ours

"Behold you have sinned against G-d. And you your sin will find you." ~~ Numbers 32:23

THE PROCESS OF 'I'-DENTIFYING.'

If G-d were the sun each of us would be a ray of His divine light. The goal of the spiritual disciplines of daily Torah (Bible) life - study, prayer, meditation, and the performance of mitzvas (religious duties; plural for mitzvah), is to serve G-d and, thereby, become one with our true essence. Through these practices we experience our self an aspect and individualized expression of the Timeless Universal Self - G-d.

The 20th century Kabbalist Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan explains in his book Inner Space that in order to feel this powerful truth, we must learn to disengage our inner self from its outer trappings. In other words, we have to get in touch with our soul as distinct from our persona, thoughts and feelings.

'The goal of disengaging the self from the outer trappings is to realize that you are not your thoughts, your emotions, your body, your money, your career or your property. These things are part of your outer persona, but they are not the inner you. You would still be you if you lost any of these things. Many people fear, however, that if they were stripped of these externals, then they would end up feeling like nothing.

There is a powerful scene in Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning where the author describes how the Nazis would line up the Jews to select who would go to the gas chambers and who would go to the work camps. A Nazi commander would stand at the front of the line, holding up his hand by the elbow, and with one finger, he would simply point left, right, left, right. One man's little finger determined whether a person would live or die.

Frankl was sent into a room with others, where they were ordered, "strip, take everything off and throw it into a pile in the center of the room within two minutes!" The Jewish prisoners frantically undressed and threw their clothes in the central pile, fearful of running out of time and being killed. At the end, all they were left with was their naked existence.

Frankl, however, stood still holding his manuscripts, which contained a lifetime of research. That little cache held everything that he had ever accomplished in his psychological research. Holding his life's work, he approached the German officer and tried to explain that his possession was worth nothing to the Nazis. At first, the officer seemed to listen compassionately, but then yelled, "Throw it into the pile!" Frankl frantically persisted, "You don't understand. This is my life's work! It's just meaningless paper to you." But the Nazi just repeated, "Throw it into the pile!" Frankl obeyed the order. He, too, was left with only his naked existence. All he was is that he was.

Imagine the tragedy of his loss. But also imagine the potential spiritual growth that was available to those who went through such a challenge. Sometimes, very painful experiences offer us tremendous spiritual elevation. Frankl addresses this concept in his book, relating how many people in the concentration camps became remarkably spiritual. Those who were more religious and spiritually oriented, Frankl explains, lasted longer than those who had big physiques but lacked inner strength.

Frankl writes that after everyone had stripped the Nazis gave out concentration camp uniforms, which were previously worn by someone who had just died in a gas chamber. As Frankl put on the torn, dirty prison uniform, he reached into the pocket and found a tiny piece of paper. He took it out and saw that it was "the Shema," the Jews' daily declaration that G-d is the absolutely one and only reality. This little piece of a prayer book that another Jew had managed to keep was Frankl's exchange for his collection of manuscripts. Frankl realized that when he gave up his life's work, he got the Shema: 

"Hear O Israel, the Lord Is God, The Lord Is One." Blessed be The Name of His Glorious Kingdom forever and ever...:

To me this means that when Frankl was stripped of his persona and left to confront his naked soul he was empowered to discover his true identity - identification with the source of all self worth - the one and only everlasting G-d. And that connection no one can take away from you.

LIBERATING THE "I" FROM EXILE

Who are we, after all? Are we our work, or are we eternal souls? If we fear that we become nothing if we let go of our persona, then we are in a state of spiritual exile. If we have always defined ourselves in terms of our career, property, social status and what others think of us, then we are not our own person. Our soul is then in exile. We are trapped in our thoughts, our feelings, our body, our money, our social status, and everything else that makes up our transient character. The soul is lost in the ego and we will feel estranged to our true selves eternally connected to G-d.

The goal of Judaism - whether it be Torah learning, meditation, prayer, or living the commandments- is to release the soul from its exile -to empower us to free ourselves from the chains that bind us to transience and mortality. We need to reclaim our self -our individual "I" and redirect it to its source, the "Ultimate I." When we do this, we experience the mystical meaning of the first commandment heard at Mt. Sinai 3,500 years ago: "I am" is G-d your Lord, who took you out of Egypt." This is the true path to personal empowerment, spiritual liberation, inner peace and fulfillment.

ANCHORED AND CENTERED IN G-D

Judaism refers to G-d as the "Rock of our Lives." In other words, we are truly strong and stable only when we anchor and ground ourselves within G-d - who is the bedrock of all consciousness. Judaism also teaches us that we are each created in the image of the divine and that our goal is service. In other words, that each and every one of us is an individualized expression of G-d and serve as unique channels for His presence into this world. This is our purpose and our ultimate joy.

We naturally want to experience the truth of who we. We seek a connection to a greater whole because we are connected to a greater whole. The spiritual disciplines of a commandment-driven life enable us to consciously center and anchor our self in G-d and live in service. They empower us to disengage from the outer trappings of our persona and feel at one with G-d through the joy of service.

COMMANDMENTS - THE ETERNAL AND INTERNAL REWARD

When the Jewish people received the commandments from G-d at Mt. Sinai they understood the difference between freedom from oppression and freedom to expression. When they left Egypt the Jewish people were only freed from Egyptian slavery but only when they accepted the commandments were free to be themselves - individualized manifestations of G-d; serving as channels for the flow of divine presence into the world. A Torah life is all about freedom and self-actualization. It is not about changing who you are but being who you are. 

Even when you are freed from your disorders or addictions you are still not yet free to be the total you. To be all that you can be you need to know who you really are, who is your eternal root, what is your divine purpose and service on earth.

Living the mitzvas empowers you to connect with G-d and be your true godly self. At first you may feel that obedience to G-d and the disciplinary life of mitzvas is submissive and restrictive. Ironically, however, submission and obedience to G-d becomes a source of empowerment and freedom. Through the mitzvas you can experience G-d as the essential power within you; seeking to become expressed through you. At this point, you no longer experience the commandments as acts of obedience, but rather as the free expression of your true inner divine self as an aspect of G-d.

In other words, after we make G-d's will our will and obey, we ultimately realize that His will is actually what we, in our deepest of depths, truly wanted all along, because our will is an expression and ray of His will. We, in essence, are individualized manifestations of the Soul of all souls.

The Kabbalah teaches that when we do not live the commandments we are as if cutting the ground from beneath our feet, cutting our self out of the bigger picture. Our life becomes one big rip off when we rip ourselves away from G-d. We suffer a self imposed spiritual exile. However, living a life of service is a homecoming and reunion with G-d. We feel plugged into the Source of all life and energized in everyway.

Unfortunately, many people think "serving G-d" is submitting to an egomaniacal deity who dwells in heaven and demands, "You must serve me! Obey my commandments and do them with a smile! Or else I will punish you." In actuality, to serve G-d means to experience complete connection to the source of all life and channel divine presence into the world. Serving G-d is like the dance serving the dancer, the song serving the singer, the speech serving the speaker.

Fulfilling the commandments -  is not about collecting merit points to be cashed in after we die, an understanding like that may have worked for us when we were five years old (how else could our parents and teachers have explained it to us?). However, as adults we need to understand that commandments profoundly transform our life experience --empowering us to feel plugged into the source of all life, awareness, freedom and creativity. Many people resist a lifestyle dedicated to serving G-d only because they don't understand that G-d is the source of all being, all energy, all values and ideals.

To serve G-d means to embody and channel into the world G-d's love, wisdom, understanding, kindness, justice, compassion, beauty, truth, peace, etc. When you act mercifully, you are serving to make manifest the source of all mercy. When you act intelligently, you are serving to make manifest the source of all intelligence. And when you serve justice, you are serving to make manifest the source of all justice. You experience the joy of ultimate meaning when you make your life a means to an end greater than yourself. But when you make your life the be all and end all then that is the end of your life.

The mitzvas are not simply ways to earn reward and avoid punishment. Rather, they express our true divine essence - who we really are and who we are part of - in the language of human behavior.

When we behave in disaccord with the mitzvas, we block out G-d's presence from our world. Conversely, when we behave in a way that expresses G-d, we become a channel for G-d's presence and fill the world with blessing.

When we betray G-d, we are ultimately betraying ourselves. It is for this reason that when Adam sinned, he and Eve ran and hid behind a bush. As the Torah relates, G-d called out to Adam and said, "Where are you?" The question was rhetorical. What G-d was really saying to Adam and Eve was, "Where are you? You betrayed yourself."

Our wrong doings are self-betrayals. They not only fail to manifest G-d in the world but they also prevent us from expressing and experiencing who we really are. All wrong-doing is based on being someone we're not, whether we know it or not. We will not be punished for our sin but by our sins. Nor will we be rewarded for our service but by our service. Being who we are; experiencing our connection to G-d is paradise itself.

It starts with getting rid of the entitlement attitude, which puts one's "rights" ahead of everything else.

This is something that I have had to struggle with since losing my darling husband. I was never spoiled, in fact, just the opposite, I came from a lower, middle class family and we were lucky to have whatever we had. My parents, tho my mom is brilliant, had no formal education.  My father worked hard as a laborer or shop steward in construction and didn't work over the winter months most years.  I remember the days when I, as a young girl in grammar school, stood up on a chair in front of the refrigerator to check my mom's change purse, and there was never anything in it except pennies. Once there was a dollar in it and some change, I took the dollar, went to the store and bought an ice cream cone and some gum. My mom happened to drive by the moment I walked out and saw me with the ice cream cone (which I immediately dropped to the ground) and wondered where I got the money! yikes! I told her I found a quarter on the ground, which was beleivable because in those days we walked everywhere, to school, to the store, to the beach, it didn't matter how far, we walked, 1, 5 10 miles...and there was always money on the ground. I will never forget that day. Some time later during the evening my mother realized her dollar was missing. What a beating I received when she pulled me out of bed and, after first accusing and beating my brother, realized that I was the culprit.

I was never spoiled, have worked hard all of my life, and always understood that we work for what we want. My work ethic and learning to extend myself in service to others started at a very young age. We were poor and I first started by helping an elderly neighbor by going down into the basement to fill oil jugs for her furnance. She gave me fifty cents every week for this. I also started at this age to baby sit. When I baby sat I also voluntarily -- cleaned the house too, as it was always messy. This I did for strangers of my own volition, seeing that things needed to be done and I was there and able to help out. (I have always pitched in to help in all of my friends homes to this day.) This I did too - the babysitting and the house cleaning, for fifty cents. I did not grow up spoiled nor have I ever had the notion that I was every 'entitled' to anything if didn't earn it. Not only that, but as indicated here, it is obvious, that I wasn't a taker, but a giver. To love is to give.

However, since the tragic death of my husband I have been confronted with difficult feelings and questions. For five years I have been angry and resentful with my husband for getting killed and then with "God" for taking him home.  Angry with everyone else who was alive and living their blessed lives while I felt unblessed. That pain, confusion, misunderstanding and anger brought me to a place where I appreciated very little of anyone or anything, including my own life, I really wanted not to live at all; I just wanted to die.

I no longer wanted to pray. After all, how can you go to God when "God" has punished you so severely by taking your husband back to himself, therefore 'destroying' your life? In spite of the fact that I knew, was aware too, that if God took Avi home, that he had accomplished what he needed to fulfill here on earth and it was a good thing -- I also was aware that if I was still here that meant that I needed to perhaps move on, start new, and give new meaning to life, give to another, love someone else, add to another, because what are we if not love? And to love, is to give. 

In spite of that knowledge I am still struggling and have not moved on but remained without Gratitude for having had him at all, gratitude for the gift of life, for the friendships all of my life, for the love and respect I receive, the support from so many, and the talents, gifts and abilities, the health, the beauty, intelligence, the very breath I breathe.  It is with these thoughts that I share this teaching. This is my struggle, which is very different than the common, everyday, spoiled, entitled, 'you owe me' materialistic, attitude, yet it is a part and parcel of this attitude, nevertheless.

What in life do you feel is coming to you? Health? A good job? Children? A peaceful retirement? Check yourself out.

If you're like me, you probably have a whole list of things you feel entitled to, and if you don't get them, you feel cheated. If you are unable to take a vacation or buy the home you've dreamed of, then life has robbed you of something you are entitled to!

We live in a society that feeds an entitlement attitude. Compare the Bill of Rights, which focuses on our entitlements, to the Torah, which focuses on our responsibilities and obligations.

LIFE OWES US NOTHING

The entitlement attitude says, "life owes me something," or "people owe me something," or "God owes me something."

You know if you're into entitlement because the result leaves you constantly feeling angry, resentful, or frustrated. If you believe that someone owes you something and that person doesn't come through, you feel angry. You feel you've been ripped-off and cheated out of what I rightly deserve.

But entitlement is a lie. It's a perversion of reality.

There is nothing in the universe that states, "Dov Heller deserves to live a long, happy, and successful life!" My feelings of entitlement are born from within my own mind. Objectively speaking, there is no basis for such claims.

Everything good we do get must be looked at as a gift.

Even though Judaism maintains that God created us for pleasure and wants us to have pleasure, we still should not feel entitled to getting what we desire. This is because everything good we do get must be looked at as a gift. Understanding this creates an awareness that the source of all our good is God.

This understanding that everything is a gift forms the basis of our relationship with God. Judaism also looks at the bad as coming from God and it should ultimately be viewed as a gift. However a discussion of this complex issue is beyond the limits of this article.

Neither God, nor anyone else for that matter, owes us anything. Do you believe this is true? Most people do not.

THE ENTITLEMENT ATTITUDE

There are many things we feel entitled to. For example, aren't we entitled to have people treat us fairly, with sensitivity, with respect? Where is that written? The truth is that any kindness we receive from others is always a gift.

What about marriage? This is an area of life which is full of expectation. What do you think your spouse owes you? Financial support? Emotional support? Is he or she the one who is supposed to make you happy for the rest of your life?

Your spouse owes you nothing! Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler emphasized this point in his Strive for Truth when he said, "When demands begin, love departs." If we would focus on our responsibilities to our spouses and what we can do to make them happy, our marriages would be much more fulfilling. Focus on what you are not getting that you feel entitled to and your marriage will be painful.

A distinction must be made between the illegitimacy of "entitlement" in an absolute sense and our legitimate claim to seek "justice" and the fulfillment of one's rights under society's laws or under a body of religious laws. For example, when a person isn't paid for his work, he is "entitled" by society's laws to sue for his wages. A wife who is being treated disrespectfully by her husband is "entitled" by Torah law to be given respect.

But in an absolute sense, a person is not entitled to be paid or to be given respect because there is nothing in the universe that guarantees any kind of individual rights.

THE GRATITUDE ATTITUDE

Eliminating entitlement from your life and embracing gratitude is spiritually and psychologically liberating.

Gratitude is the recognition that life owes me nothing and all the good I have is a gift. My eyes are a gift. So is my wife, my clothes, my job and my every breath. This is a major shift from the entitlement mode. Recognizing that everything good in life is ultimately a gift is a fundamental truth of reality.

Gratitude is the recognition that life owes me nothing and all the good I have is a gift.

To speak of seeing everything good we have as a gift leads us to confront the reality of a giver and the source of all this good: God.

Gratitude is where we begin to experience God in a powerfully personal way. "Thank you" is the simplest and one of the most powerful prayers a person can say. If you can say, "Thank you," you can connect with God and begin to develop a personal relationship with Him.

A powerful, although tragic, example of someone who mastered the gratitude attitude was a great Jewish woman named Bruria. The story of Bruria is told in the Talmud. Bruria and her husband, Rabbi Meir, had two sons who both died one Friday afternoon before Shabbat. Bruria decided not to tell her husband of the tragedy until after Shabbat since, according to Jewish law, one is not permitted to have a funeral on Shabbat or to openly mourn. There was nothing they could do until after Shabbat so she kept the information to herself and allowed her husband to enjoy the day (imagine being able to do that!). Explaining where the boys were was the least of her challenges.

When Shabbat was over this is how Bruria broke the horrible news to her husband. She asked him a legal question: What is the proper course of action if one person borrows two jewels from another and then the original owner requests that the return of the jewels. He replied with the obvious answer that one is obligated to return the loan upon demand. She then took her husband to where their two dead sons lay and said, "God has requested that we return the loan of our two jewels."

Bruria teaches us a potentially life transforming lesson here: Everything we have is on loan!

ON LOAN

My ears are on loan, my health is on loan, my children are on loan. Everything is a loan that is given as a gift.

What have we done that we could claim we earned life, health, financial success, or children? We have done nothing. As I mentioned earlier, when we internalize this truth, we become spiritually and psychologically liberated.

How freeing to live with a sense that everything good is on loan.

This is the key to internalizing the gratitude attitude. Once we understand that everything is a gift, we can begin to feel gratitude towards God, the source of all good, and grow closer to Him in an authentic and joyful way.

Can I forgive God?

 

What shall I forgive you for my Lord?

Would it be the revelations that inhabit my soul?

Or the wisdom of your life in me,

Shall it be the fruit of my friendships and the love I receive?

Or the beautiful husband you gave to me?

 

Shall I be angry that you gave and then took him back?

But then, you didn't need to give at all, I forgot about that.

Yep there's been some pain in between

But I know that You've never abandoned me.

 

Shall it be the beautiful talents that are a gift to me

Or the realization of dreams yet to be

Would it be the utterance of eloquent speech or deed;

Or the spirit of truth in a soul that is free?

 

Would I trade the tears of my soul song's pleas to thee?

Or the times that Your love filled my heart with glee?

The times the Divine was revealed in me

To those who sought light in a world that can't see?

 

When I think of my talents, gifts, abilities

When I think of Your Spirit and breath in me

How can I say that my spirit ain't free?

Perhaps it's illusion, or my own delusion

Error in judgment, mistaken reality.

 

When I think about choices to emulate You.

 I see the work of my heart and transfomations that prove.

Can I say I've been cheated in all honesty?

Or is that a flaw in my integrity?

My God -- I see the power that's vested in me,
'Its an awesome gift to handle responsibly.

 

7-22-2008 by©yaffa
NOTE: All poetry posted here is my own original work and belongs to me and is subject to copyright law. I have not agreed to any license, assignment or use by any other parties.
Please, you may copy the article by not my poetry....thanks...

---

 

Rabbi Shmuel Herzfeld

Recently, I had a debate with some Atheists.  I learned many things from this debate. 

The first thing I learned was that many of these Atheists are born Jewish.  There was a panel of five of us.  In this panel I was the sole representative of the theists of the world.  A person rose from the audience and asked a very hostile question to me.  I was taken aback.  I said, "Wait.  Before I answer this question, tell me one thing: What is your Hebrew name?"  The audience grew uncomfortably quiet.  He looked at me in shock.  "My Hebrew name," he asked.  "Why...its...Reuven!"  The Atheist woman on the panel next to me looked at me and smiled.  She said, "My Hebrew name is Elka."  They might be Atheists, but many of them are very much Jewish Atheists.

The second thing I learned is that many of the Atheists are not so much upset that people believe in God, as they are upset about the way they perceive organized religion is corrupt and overbearing.  In response to this it is our responsibility to be ambassadors for our faith and as a community to display an approach to God that sanctifies God's name.

The third thing I learned (and this is what I want to focus on today) is that many Atheists have a profound misunderstanding of the goals of religion.

Here is what one well known best-selling atheist (yes, he too, is Jewish) writes.  He explains that one of his major objections to religious faith is that it "manages to combine maximum of servility with the maximum of solipsism." 

I'll admit it.  I had to look up "solipsism."  Here is what it means: "the theory that only the self exists; and extreme preoccupation with and indulgence of one's feelings, desires, etc. egoistic self-absorption." 

The truth is that that is the opposite of religion.  Religion is about humility before the Infinite Creator.  Religion is about recognizing the reality that there is a God in this world and it is not me.  Religion is about recognizing our role to serve God.

In this week's portion we are told, "Ve-haish moshe anav meod mi-kol haadam asher al penei ha-adamah."  The Hertz chumash translates this phrase as, "Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men that were upon the face of the earth." 

The key word in this translation is "anav" which Hertz, following the tradition of the King James translation, unfortunately translates as "meek."

Now, Moshe was many things, but he certainly was not meek.  Meek is usually understood as docile or tame.  Moshe was a revolutionary leader.  He challenged Pharaoh.  He led the purge of those who sinned with the Golden Calf.  He challenged those who rebelled against him.  No, he was not meek!

Anav is sometimes understood as humble.  Moshe was the most humble man on the face of the earth.  But this too, is tricky, because we often misunderstand what we mean by humility.

Humility is sometimes understood as having a low sense of self-worth or a feeling of inferiority.  But that too, is not Moshe.  Moshe knew his place.

A better understanding of the word anav or humility might be "unpretending."  Humility is a proper and honest recognition of our role in this world. 

The Torah tells us this week that Moshe was the greatest of all prophets.  All other prophets understood God only through a dream or a riddle, but only Moshe spoke directly to God.

This did not take away from Moshe's humility.  On the contrary, his unique connection to God removed his arrogance and increased his humility!

I will give you a parable which can explain how Moshe was humble and still aware of his unique prophetic talents and his spiritual greatness.  (I first learned this parable from Rabbi Dov Rappel.)

This past week I taught my children how to play chess for the very first time.  Now I am not very good at chess, but I know how to move the pieces and I have a little experience.  My kids were so impressed with my abilities.  Their eyes were wide as I explained to them the possibilities and as I showed them what would happen three or four moves in advance.  In their eyes I was an expert chess player.  But, of course, if I ever played a Grand Master, he would defeat me with his eyes closed while playing forty other people.

When I play my kids, of course I'll win every game.  But if I play a grandmaster of course the grandmaster will win every time.  Obviously, the more time I will spend with a grandmaster the more I realize my inadequacies as a chess player. 

Moshe was like the chess player who recognizes his inadequacy before a grandmaster.  He knows of his talents vis á vis the other people, but he also knows of his inadequacy before God.  Moshe's humility came from his desire to spend even more time with God; a desire for a lasting closeness to God.  The more he cleaved to God, the more he recognized how inadequate he was. 

Moshe's inadequacy in the face of God led to increased humility, but not to low self-esteem or arrogance.  It led him to an unpretending and unpretentious awareness of his abilities. 

Humility is a confident awareness of your ability so that you then have recognition of the responsibility that comes with your ability; it is a responsibility to use your talents in the way that God wants.

With proper humility comes self-confidence in your mission and thus an enhanced ability to perform your task.