Wrestling With God! -2 - The Supernatural

The Jewish Press

Reb Avraham Chaim Leibowitz, Z'TL

Other__Worldly Experience

Written by Yaffa Leah Leibowitz for Dave

On Sunday evening at 8:30 June 21, 2003, was the sheloshim of Rabbi Avraham Chaim Leibowitz. May we merit from his exemplary life here on earth, his love for all Yisrael and respect for the creation, his kingly speech, his illuminated essence, and his righteousness. He was a tzaddik in every sense of the word, a Prince of Yisrael. May all of us who were fortunate to drink from the wine of his torah be strengthened to emulate him in his beautiful middot.  He was truly a Tzelem Elokim, the embodiment of God's beautiful attributes. Here is but one amazing story that God has mercifully arranged for us to hear from the heavens. May we have joy upon hearing this account of His works only two days after his passing to strengthen us and to renew our faith in God and in our Torah. 

On Thursday June 19, 2003 in the afternoon, I was sitting on the floor of my living room, (Avi died on May 21st) crying out to God, praying, and speaking to my darling husband, my prince, o.b.m., Avraham Chaim. I was troubled by the way he left the world. A tragic accident took his young life as he was on his way to work. I hugged him and kissed him goodbye and one half hour later, he was gone. I will never be able to fathom that. So I was crying out in pain, asking questions that will never be answered, when I received this phone call and recorded everything from a man named David, someone we came to know when we pay our bill at Mission Bay Storage, where we store our things. I have recorded his exact words here.

"On the 21^st or the 22^nd of May, I knew that I had to go for an angiogram. I had not seen the Rabbi for over two months. So, as I lay in the hospital, yet conscious, my wife by my side, I asked if she would please call Rabbi Leibowitz to say that I needed him to come to visit me at the hospital, and that I needed his prayers and support. On the afternoon of the 23^rd of May, I was drugged and prepared for the operation; a quadruple by- pass surgery, and lay in a quasi sleep on the operating table. It was between 2:30 and 3:00pm. I don't know exactly how long it was after I fell to sleep because I lost all track of time after the operation when I went into a drug induced coma for another day. But during the time of my operation, Rabbi Leibowitz came to me while I lay on the operating table."

"This is the account of his visit to me."

He walked into the room and came over to me and said:

 "I just got here, and yet at the same time I have always been here."

Then he said,

"I came to you to say that I don't know whether you will live or die, because it depends upon the measure of your will. But over here, there is a peace like you've never known. This is a thousand times, a thousand times, more peaceful than we have ever known. The words kept reverberating, echoing over and over again: "This is a thousand times, a thousand times more peaceful than we have ever known."

He never told me if I would live or die. Instead, he said,

"I will strengthen you whether you live or die, and together we will pool our strength."  

"He then took his prayer shawl and handed me the ribbons at the bottom. He placed them into my hands. My hands were laid across my stomach and as he placed them into my hands, he laid his hand over mine. He started to sing and pray in another language, either Yiddish or Hebrew, I don't know which."

"I asked him, why would you do this? I am not even Jewish."

He said to me,

"Faith pulls us together and then we are all the same."

"Then he started to hum and he slid his hand off mine and left the ribbons in my hands. I knew then that he was leaving and I tried to say to him, "Baruch Hashem." But I didn't know how, and instead I said "Balock Hashom," and he started to laugh."

He said,

"You didn't say it right."

"And then I said zee gezunt. He shook his head and tilted it to the side and started to laugh, as if to say no and gave me a great big smile."

He said:

"You are not saying it properly but the effort is there."

"He understood exactly what I was saying. Then he started to hum and to give me a blessing in Hebrew or Yiddish and I awoke. I was looking for the ribbons, because I saw him leave without taking the ribbons back, so I thought that he left them for me, that he wanted me to have them, to help me though these trying times. When I awoke, I looked down at my hands, I wanted to see the ribbons, but the ribbons were gone."

"After the operation, I asked my wife Joan if she had called Rabbi Leibowitz. I wanted to understand why I saw him in the hospital. I was going to call him and tell him all about what I then thought had been a dream that was entirely too real. I didn't think it was a dream at all. But my wife said that she could not get in touch with him, and I asked her, why not? Then I realized that since he was working in NY maybe he was out of town. So I would wait till he returned home to talk with him and to laugh with him about it."

"It was four weeks later, (Wednesday, June 18^th ), when I found out from my wife the tragic news that Rabbi Leibowitz had passed on May 21st."

"Since I never even knew that Rabbi Leibowitz had passed away, when I reflect upon my experience with the news of his passing, I realize that this was not a dream at all, but an actual visitation and I understand many things that I did not consider previously."

"He helped me through a traumatic time, in that my life lay on the brink of death's bed in the hands of those who did my quadruple bypass surgery. Now I have a desire to read through the bible, which I have never done, I started to read the bible as a child, I read the first paragraph of Genesis, and that was the end of it for me. It was too repetitious, and I got bored."

"I don't know how I know these things, because I am not a religious man. But now I know that Rabbi Leibowitz used me as a messenger to give you strength and peace of mind. He wanted you to know that he is in peace, and that you should also be in peace. He wanted you to know that his love was strong and perfect, that his love has never left you."

"Today I feel like brand new, as if I never even had any operation at all."

Gods  ways are truly wondrous and it is a tremendous kindness that He has done here, both for me and for Dave. My only thought about how to relate to this, how David  merited to have this visitation from Avraham Chaim is that I know Dave to be a man who is always b'simcha, ( in joy, happy) as was Avraham Chaim. We saw him, when we went to pay our bill, to be happy, joyous, joking, and accommodating. He was always a ray of bright light.

On many occasions when people left behind a bicycle from their storage, he would ask Avraham Chaim if he could use it He knew that Avraham Chaim rode a bicycle, so he would keep his eye out for him to see if someone would leave behind a particularly nice bicycle that he could give to him.

                                                          ---------------------------------

I remember very clearly those weeks and months before I wound up in the hospital. I wasn't taking care of myself, I hated cooking and eating alone, cleaning up alone, and would find it easier to grab a bag of chips or ice cream, comfort foods to ease the pain.
I knew that something inside wasn't right, and I thought I will try some different things from the health food store. I also knew that it was serious, but the thought of this serious I couldn't cope with. I could not handle one more trauma. 

I have always been a vibrant woman, always had lots of people around me. Men in particular have always called me refreshing. Now however, I was not myself. I turned into something dead and angry, I had some nice days in between for sure, but for the most part, I wanted to die. Sometimes while driving in my car with the top down a thought would cross me to crash the car. I was down like I was never before. I started to turn inward, thinking that perhaps God was punishing me because I wasn't a good enough wife, maybe I let my husband down..etc. etc. etc. In spite of the beautiful words my husband had left behind about me to all of his friends I couldn't shake the feelings of guilt. Guilt that I was alive and he wasn't. Guilt that I didn't drive him to work that day even though I had offered. Nothing gave me peace. I screamed and cried when i was alone, screamed at him for dying and leaving me behind. Screamed at God for his death. Cried at work in the sink in the bathroom. Never stopped crying...

We had just put a downpayment on a home the friday before he died. It was a wonderful brand new home and I was so excited about it and so was he. He looked up and all around in the kitchen which was done in brown and black granite with silver appliances. He touched them, and looking up with his hand on the wall, said, "This is going to be my house." His eyes were brilliant with joy, green glazed over. bright light. He was ectastic. I don't think he ever thought we would have such a home, we were in a 2 bedroom condo. 

I found out the following week after his death on Wednesday morning that he told all of his co workers, " Oh, its almost three o'clock and I cannot wait to to home to my yaffie, my flower. She has already cooked and cleaned for Shabbat and I cannot wait to have Shabbat with her."  Shabbat is the most difficult day of the week. Shabbat is a time of rest and joy, of spending time with your loved ones and friends, of basking in the presence of God...The Shekinah, manifest presence of the HOLY ONE is tangible on Shabbat amongst those who have prepared for it. It is also the most holy time to be with your husband or wife and it is commanded even to spend time together privately. There is nothing that can compare to the manifest presence, the glorious manifestation of holiness like on the sabbath and the holy days for those who invoke God and bask in that manifest presence. It was always the happiest day for me with Avi and friends, a time of sharing, feasting and sitting long hours at the table, sharing and enjoying all of the delicious foods I made, all from scratch, including whole wheat challah. A time of singing and sharing ourselves and the torah. It was a happy occassion..and a sacred time.


Consequently, It was for me the loneliest of all days and for the first year I couldn't stand to be alone.  Since I am not from florida, i had no real friends here. My friends were in NY and other places..Avi was my best friend and we spent all of our time together when we weren't at  work. I missed him terribly. I had one close friend who opened her home to me and I went there every shabbat for one year. Most of the time it was so painful for me to watch everyone living their lives with their families, I would go to bed and cry. I was up and down night after night, even when I slept there, which I did every weekend.

One Sabbath my friend was getting ready to make the kiddush, the blessing over the wine to start lunch. I couldn't take it. I wanted Avi to make the kiddush for me. I went to the couch quietly and laid down. My friends little 5 year old boy came over to the couch where i laid and stood over me with a towel. He said Mrs. Leibowitz, we know why you are crying...
And with that he lied down next to me and took the towel and covered over both of us.
What an amazing neshama, so tender and sensitive a soul in a five year old boy. What kind of spiritual maturity and depth! How deeply understanding, kind and compassionate..

As it turned out I kept getting weaker and weaker. I would get up at 8 am to go to work, but I was so weak that it took me until 12 or 1pm to shower and get ready.  Then on the way I would say or think, I don't know how I am walking, I feel like I have nothing in me, no power. I even stopped carrying a purse, I had no strength. When I went to the supermarket I leaned against the cart to carry me.

This went on for one year. It was the 4th year after I was widowed. I went on a Sunday shopping for groceries to whole foods. I had my beautiful little bischon with me, lovey sheli. I bought her because I couldn't stand the emptiness at home. I spent all of my time out of the house those first three years. The fourth year I was too weak. It happened on that day that I came home at 6pm with the groceries intending to make dinner for me and lovey. I was very uncomfortable because I had woken up during the wednesday night prior with a tremendous pain in my right side, by my appendix. I had no doctor since we left Montreal and I have never really been sick so I thought it will pass. Meanwhile I didn't realize I had a fever also. I was so weak on that sunday when I came home and so uncomfortable. I went into the bathroom and took off my clothes because i felt they were restrictive. I don't know what happened after that, but I must have passed out and woke up later lying on my back on the floor just beyond my bed. I took my temperature when I got up and saw it was 101.3. I crawled into bed and forced myself to sleep the night.

On monday morning I called my mom and asked her to take me to a walk in clinic. The clinics would not take me because I said I had pain in my abdomen. They said to go to the hospital. I then asked my mom to take me to her doctor. He couldn't see me, he was full. My mother made an appointment for me 2 hours later with another doctor. I said I cannot leave, I must go on the bench in the walkway and sleep. I cannot walk or carry myself and she left me there to get me some water while I slept.

The doctor had no equipment to take exrays. I have never been in the hospital and never been sick. I told my mom I needed to go to the ER. 

 

My Incomparable Beloved

To Avi...whose spirit soars in the Heavens

Of all the love I've ever known
There is none to compare with you.
Our life together will speak forever
Of the love and passion our world knew.
My incomparable beloved.

Keepsakes of our life together...
Study and prayer books bound in leather
Suits and Hats, music, silver
Mementos haunt this heart, bewildered
By the loss of my Incomparable Beloved.

What to do with all of these
Treasures...
Songs of love, source of pleasures
Struggles to create one life together
Life is empty now...without you.

My lyrics, writing, and songs are sung
without the bliss of my darling one.
From a broken heart and empty room
I miss writing love songs for my groom.
No more psalms or prayers from above
Lyrics or melodies drawn from His love
In your merit alone I strum
My harp strings suffering the painful drum
of copious tears
While vocal spasms restrict, constrict,
Dimming my otherwise, joyful hum
My precious beloved, incomparable One.

Now I am aware that angels abound
My soul profoundly aware they surround
To capture, to carry the sounds of...
Melodious tears that ride on wings
Of the joyful and sorrow filled songs I sing
My incomparable Beloved

Wondering what you would do...
Could you toss my treasured life from you
You surrounded me with tokens of love
Bespoken devotion
Tenderness of a turtle dove.
Sparks of holiness lodged in the physical
Reminiscent of you...
Oh! My Incomparable Beloved

It is akin to rejecting holiness
Your charmed, passionate, essence
You...embodiment of pure love.
Tossing your things away
Far from my heart and mind
As devastating as desecrating
The holy temple.
Holy and incomparable beloved.

Your life -- the temple incarnate,
Mirroring the covenant in my soul
Now I must give myself over to another
Two new souls must come together as One--
But how can I do that...
When we have created a transcended--
Incomparable Love?




©by Yaffa

to be continued